Ending Anxiety, Blame and Cynicism in the Process of Getting ...

As many people do, I?ve suffered from a great deal of anxiety about the future. As a result, there was a sense of being trapped in the undesirable present, and a resulting feeling of the walls closing in on a purgatory between two inevitably catastrophic outcomes.

Also enraptured by, and mired in the mentality called ?positive thinking?, I was thinking positively about the purgatory ? not realizing that the two ?catastrophic? future predictions? inward psychological crush were caused, not held in check, by my resistance against them.

Now the anxiety is gone (for the most part). A good night?s sleep and full rest arrives easily no matter what considerable uncertainties the next day brings. I also sold my positive psychology bible, titled ?Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification?, at bargain price as a used book on amazon dot com. How could I possibly have attained more peace of mind with less ?positivity??

More Peace of Mind, Less ?Positivity??

Over the past few years, the practical aspects of cognitive psychology have brought the following into clarity:

Humans are creative by nature. We can make ourselves feel positive, negative or apathetic about practically _anything_. Without a set of foundational boundaries to guide our thinking, any situation can be spun to ?make it positive?.

Just as the expectation of disaster is usually unrealistic, so is the exuberant anticipation of unlimited abundance.

Disaster vs. Abundance: False Alternatives

It became increasingly clear that when I tried to be ?positive? about the situation, it hasn?t turned out well. Why not? Because ?positivity? often covers up anxiety, just as ?perfectionism? often covers up procrastination. These strategies avoid the issues rather than dealing with them head-on and getting them sorted out as quickly as possible.

To put it smartly and succinctly, there are some situations that just plain suck. They?re not lovely lotus flowers of happiness hidden away in the muddy fields of misfortune, only to be seen by those who are positive enough to smile and embrace the suckitude. Some mistakes are worth fully regretting and letting go after learning the lesson. The regret may remain. The lesson itself might be as profoundly obvious as ?do something else next time?.

The success gurus, greed-stricken Ph.D?s and pseudo-psychology pep-talk bestsellers don?t tell you this, in favor of raising their voices to drown out anxiety/depression by cancelling it out and covering it up with ?positivity? ? often thereby glossing over the facts entirely. The ?revolutionary new field of positive psychology? is a solution in search of a problem, and often an attempt to sell more wallet-fatting ?scientific happiness? over endless book tours, seminar circuits and bogus ?coaching? certification courses for the naively credulous public (how exactly do you teach an interpersonal skill like counseling/coaching via Internet? I imagine that it involves quite a leap of wishful thinking, for starters).

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It may be more sensible to think negative first, and positive second (if at all). Carefully consider what will most likely go wrong. Are the costs worth the risk? Think negative, plan positive, and acknowledge that the outcome will probably land somewhere in between. By contrast, an anxious mind thinks ?catastrophe!? and plans no further than the expectation that the sky will fall.

In Who?s Best Interest?

One instance of ?think negative, plan positive? is to realize that there will be times when other people won?t necessarily be on your side. Even people who you thought of as friends will at times ?betray? you (also known as ?acting to further their own interests?, as they always have). Many people, especially in business, are your friends precisely because it benefits them, and for no other reason. They like you because you help them get what more of they want for themselves. When they no longer see the gain in being your ?friend?, they disappear. An anxiously ?positive thinker? would enact any number of self-reassuring schemes. Among them you will recognize at least a few in yourself or others: score-keeping and frantically attempting to prevent the inevitable; then exact retribution for being ?wronged?, or pretensions to an obviously fake invincibility.

The truth? It?s not fun when fairweather compatriots vanish in hard times. The personal lesson has been that sunny days don?t make real friends ? longevity and shared ordeals do. The idea is to find a place ? in consulting lingo it?s called the ?inner game? ? where you can sustain through the worst-case scenario and still emerge intact.

From the ?business friends? example above: any entrepreneur, inventor or innovator is probably going to step on some toes on his way up. Colleagues start to mindlessly act like ?competitors? fighting over the typical delusions of scarce market share under the misguided notion that it seems easier to steal than to create.

Hand-to-Mouth Thinking

People who have their careers invested in one way of thinking will try to deride and discredit any new ways of approaching and solving problems. The ordinary person who seeks comfort at all costs will become insecure when challenged to think in a different way, even if that way will help them improve their position over the long term. Humans are shortcut-seekers by nature, as I?ll surely touch on again soon. This ?hand-to-mouth? thinking is actually a cognitive handicap that must be taken into consideration at all times.

You?ve seen that for many people, their sense of ego will often lead them to fight any suggestion that they haven?t already thought of for themselves. Reward follows risk, both psychologically and materially; the prospect of catastrophe keeps most people frozen in place and thinking ?positively? about it all the while.

Win-Win, Win What?

There?s no need for cynicism, blaming or the smug assumption of superiority. We are all primarily self-interested because to be so helps ensure our survival. Many people buy into the idea of scarcity because their reality gives them ample evidence of not having enough, not making enough, not taking enough, and not being enough (i.e. the mythical concept called ?self-esteem? ? more about that soon).

The mistake in that approach is to start with little, and then, seeing a paucity of prosperity, to expect the same in the future. The self-fulfilling prophecy dooms thoughts and dreams to stay small, and visions for the future to remain confined to the distance between hand and mouth.

The social indoctrination to always look like a ?winner? (regardless of most people?s reality) is actually part of what holds many people back. The problem isn?t that we aren?t serious enough. It?s that we often take ourselves far, far too seriously, conjuring the fall of the sky if a few errant raindrops happen to land in our eyes.

Sometimes the answers are simple and direct. At other times, the web of causes, correlations and coincidences can take time to tease apart. What may take years to learn (if at all) on your own can often be seen far more quickly by someone who?s already been there, or knows the lay of the land through careful observation and study. Every now and then, all it takes is to realize that the walls actually won?t fall in ? if you trust yourself to stop pushing so hard. Even the most effective forms of ?self-help? sometimes entail the involvement of a helping hand.

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Source: http://insertrealityhere.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/ending-anxiety-blame-and-cynicism-in-the-process-of-getting-healthy-and-fit-think-negative-plan-positive/

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